Knockaround Guys , opening nationwide today.

Put a druggie punk, a Mafia son, a ladies� man, and an enforcer in Montana to get back some lost money and what happens? The cops get involved and there�s fighting and payoffs and death. Funniest moment? You�ll know it. There�s only one. Never would�ve been released if The Fast & the Furious hadn�t made Vin Diesel a star. If you pay for this�just don�t.

What can I say? I�m a sucker for Vin Diesel. He just rumbles when he talks, and I get all girly� but other than that, he�s a 1.5-dimensional actor who fills the action-hero role vacancy very well. What better role than �the Mob enforcer guy�? But it�s not his fault that the role is bad. I�d much rather blame Brian and David, the writer/director team who were last seen at the helm of their debut, Rounders. THAT, my friends, was a good movie. Of course, I�m not sure if it�s because the cast was great and could cover any transgressions, but no matter�it was a great movie. And then�this. I think that they just didn�t try hard enough with this one. And their production staff-- well, let me just say the following and you can decide for yourself. The cinematographer has such gems under his belt as David Blaine: Street Magic and The Malibu Bikini Shop. He also did I�m Gonna Get You Sucka, so it�s a draw. The editor was trained on Pretty in Pink and followed it up with the brilliant Bottle Rocket and Rushmore. But the composer takes the cake. First up, he�s the guy from Pop Will Eat Itself. Then he scored Pi and Requiem for a Dream for a change of pace. It�s a score riding the electronica/ambient wave, with spikes of house to signify �action�. Remember how RfaD was all about the drugs? Not much has changed. And I guess that�s what makes me question this movie. After Rounders�s success, it feels like Brian and David tried to get craftsmen with distinct styles to all work together on this piece to give it their edge. Unfortunately, it never worked. The editing is tight, but the material isn�t. The sound is good, but the words aren�t, and frankly it�s quite frustrating. New Line (home of Freddy�s Dead, B*A*P*S, and S1m0ne) fronted the cash and then let it sit on a shelf for another year. (Why not two? Five? Forever?)

Enough about those responsible. The real troopers/suckers are the actors who must have really needed some cash. Malkovich, honey, come back to Chicago. We love you and will pay to watch you to actually practice your craft, not chomp through scenes with marbles in your mouth. Poor John�first he was Teddy KGB in Rounders and now he�s Teddy Deserve, and the only difference, really, is the lack of Oreos. Bad accent? Check. (I think he was trying out every ethnic accent found in the 5 boroughs) Less-than-acceptable acting? Check. Weak character? Check. Unsurprising twists? Check. He�s only saved by the fact that Dennis Hopper had to be in it. This was all before those Gap ads and Victor Drazen, so I can see how it might be �fun� to practice squinting at others. But who are these other people? The sheriff keeps looking familiar, and as well he should: it�s Tom Noonan of Manhunter and Heat fame. We�ve got Barry Pepper trying to channel a young Christopher Walken (pale, pursed lips, squinty) with a bad dye job. The last time we saw him was in The Green Mile (unless you saw *61 on cable), and we know the playboy Andrew Davoli from the Sopranos (assuming you watch it religiously like the other 80% of the US). We now come to the two reasons I actually wanted to see this movie when I first heard about it in 2000: Seth Green and Vin Diesel. Seth left TV to pursue a lucrative movie career which has included exactly 3 major hits and 2 minors (Playboy: The Party Continues doesn�t count). Dude, Joss treated you well. Why�d you leave? Well, his scruffy self is seen here wearing boots that might possibly weigh more than him as he proves himself to be the weakest link. Good thing he�s friends with the largest man on earth, Vin Diesel, who bulked up even MORE for this role (or he �slimmed down� for tFatF) and spends the movie looking like he�s just itching for a fight. What can I say? This entire movie�s success was banking on the FatF lovin�, and then after 9/11 they shelved it. Then New Line was lucky enough for XXX to come out and now they�re riding that wave�and what a wave of love. The audience swooned as one as his face came up on screen. There were actual outbursts when he was hurt. Ladies love this man much, much more than I. His acting�pretty standard. Neither good nor bad, full of rumbly-goodness and throwin� down. (I�d be curious to see a fight between him and the lead from The Transporter, just because they�re both quite resourceful.) They actually had women in the cast, but short of being �the girl who got hit� and �the lady at the airport�, they�re unmentionable.

I was disappointed in this movie for a couple of reasons, but mostly because it was a sad attempt to write a good movie. Didn�t anyone actually read it before shooting? The dialogue wasn�t memorable, the characters were boilerplate, and while I wanted to root for the (ahem) good guys, I kept returning to the stoners instead.

It was great to see that Calgary, Toronto, and Alberta look just like NYC and Montana. Good job, folks�keep those production dollars at home where they belong! Go USA! I keep waiting for them to film something in Chicago and call it �Toronto� to see if anybody notices the irony.

Little to recommend here, folks. If you actually pay to see it, you�ll lose dignity and self-respect. Keep moving, and go see something interesting instead. Need a suggestion? You know I can make one (or two.) Otherwise, GO OUTSIDE. Only a few nice days left!