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IF you meet a girl out at a bar or club or event and want her attention, an acceptable opening line is not "Hey Big Red" nor any other 'Big Red' commentary. You are more likely to elicit one of the following responses:

-Disgusted stinkeye, followed by an eyeroll that might take out the next table

-a face that says "I'm only humoring you with this painful grimace so you'll go away faster"

-"Hey, Big Pudgey"

-"Hey, Big Fatso Loser"

-a right hook or uppercut, depending on the angle

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Another bad idea is to start making small-talk about how much your feet hurt.

I'm not complaining about my feet after being mauled on the dancefloor by aforementioned pudgy men who can't walk in a straight line nor dance.

At all.

You look like a wuss, you sound like a momma's boy, and you're likely to forget we even spoke. So long, buster.

~~~~~

One type of gentleman I've encountered lately seems to find that small-talk is best done at high volume directly into anywhere but my ear. I'm sorry, I couldn't quite catch that--my shoulder's a bit hard of hearing lately... as is my hair, my cheek, and the glass of clear liquid that is, unfortunately, not water. I will give him credit in that he's not in full-oogle mode since his ability to focus is a bit fuzzy. That's very small credit. It's the kind of credit that allows him to bring me another drink (make it a double, neat) and then walk quickly away.

They never walk fast enough...