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So,stop me if you've seen this one: archaeologist discovers key to mass distruction, it's taken by the bad guys, after some adventuring it's recovered from the bad guys, there's a final battle between archaeologist and bad guy, and the secret remains safe from evil clutches.

Or, how 'bout this one: treasure hunter finds a map to powers that have the ability to raze humanity from the planet, gets thwarted by other treasure hunters, and they chase each other around the planet in a game of capture the flag?

Yep. The Cradle of Life (aka Tomb Raider 2) hits screens around the country tomorrow, to the chagrin of moviegoers everywhere. See, you shouldn't make a movie from a video game. It just doesn't work.

Let's break it down.

Plot: Lara discovers a big glowing yellow marble with morse code on the surface, but it's stolen by the nasty Chinese. The Queen commissions Lara to run around the world, free an ex-partner from prision, shoot a lot of people, take a few National Geographic travelogues, and save the world, all while using nifty gadgets and proving that chicks kick ass. And she does, and the world is safe. Again.

It's not much of an offering from boys who wrote things like Die Hard, The Phantom, Tuck Everlasting, and Contact. Actually, the entire crew seems to be from Contact, so you'll have to decide if that enhances or excuses their cause. But their story wasn't good enough, so the screenplay was written by the guy who put together Mission: Impossible 3. Luckily, Jan De Bont is at the helm, with impressive movies like The Haunting, Speed and Speed 2, and Twister under his sizable belt. A man who directed cow-flying special effects is *ready* for his patented plastic-nippled Croft close-ups. And the producers? Let's just say that Paramount has been falling down in the 'winning movie choices' category: Event Horizon, Waterworld, K-Pax, Predator 2... They conceeded exec. prod. titling to the guy who produced the 5 video games and the previous movie. I guess they figured he might know something about the franchise--boobies=boys paying money.

And that's the lesson of the day, folks.

An action film should be full of action, n'est pas? Well, we've got a slew of nobodies acting in the classic non-method of non-actors everywhere: turn, glare, pout. Good 'ole Angelina Jolie; she's reprising a role that was so one-dimensional that this time there has to be two. Her nemisis is some faintly-British man (Ciarin Hinds) who is determined to make us hate him for his line delivery and droopy double-chin. Her sidekicks are Red Dwarf-er Chris Barrie (wasted in this role) and 'one of Cameron Crowe's all-time favorite actors' who actually starred in Alphaville's 1990 video "Romeos": Noah Taylor. (If you want trivia that's even *more* obscure, good luck.) She frees Gerard Butler (Dracula 2000, Tomorrow Never Dies) from prison so they can trade insults and sizzling eye-fucks for the remainder of the movie. Awww...they're two of a kind. Too bad the costume director didn't learn from Batman Returns and give *his* shirts and wetsuits little nipples too--then they'd really be perfect together. The saddest moment, however, was when she parachutes into Africa and lands in a H2 driven by Juba, dressed in all his native beauty. Somebody *please* give this man a real role. I can tell he's a great actor, he's just pigeonholed into 'pretty ethnic man'. So as Croft & Co run around the world looking for a bit of fun, they have nifty gadgets and gew-gaws that I wouldn't mind owning, but musically? Just bring your MP3 and enjoy your own soundtrack because this one? Sucks. I think John Williams was consulted, it's so soothing. The dialogue is such that if you missed it, you'd still be able to follow along--and nobody's witty or particularly clever to advance the plot. Crazy accents abound, people wander in and out of their vocal lessons, and the little kid behind me shouted out 'don't cover my eyes, momma! I can't see!' during the lone make-out session between Lara and Terry. As an aside: I'm not a horrid prude, but when did it become fun to watch all that visible tongue action onscreen when it's a close-up on Weber Grill-sized tongues? ::shudder::

Visual effects--eh. Plot--less eh. Speed and pacing? Glacial. Good grief, people. Last I heard, video games moved quickly. Move it along. If we want to watch a montage to China or Africa, we'll watch National Geo or Discovery. If we want things to blow up and trans-continental chase scenes, we'll watch somebody else. Pick one: Ethan Hunt, James Bond, Indiana Jones... you get the idea.

All in all: Raiders of the Lost Ark meets The Mummy Returns meets Buffy meets Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego?. It's a shame that Rockapella wasn't available for the soundtrack. Entirely unworthy of your money, and there's no jigglevision, reminiscent of the first Tomb Raider. This is a *movie*, folks. They're making an effort at 'high art'.

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Next movie: Seabiscuit. If you've been under a rock lately, or just ignored MM, you might not have heard that I'm absolutely stoked for this movie. Opens Friday nationwide. Worth every penny spent on it.