Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, opening nationwide today.

ED: Based on the video game, this movie causes pain. For the love of Lake Michigan, stay away. Stay far, far away. The "sexy" factor is so slight the film might as well be about wart remover. Need I say "don't pay money"??? I seriously considered walking out, but the 'train-wreck' syndrome kept me firmly in place.

EM: "Based on a video game" is no excuse at all to create and actually submit the movie-going public to this. I saw Resident Evil. I know. I gotta say, this is what I've needed--an awful movie to rip apart. Seatbelt on?

I've seen entire seasons of action dramas made for less and look better than this movie. This film stays true to its video game roots, but does so in making all fights look choreographed and all punches pulled. It has a video game soundtrack and special music for each character running, fighting, working, etc. I wonder if the video game came out soon after the Matrix, because it has that wanna-be feel. They say imitation is the highest form of flattery; they forgot to add the qualifier "decent".

The director shortened his long name to Kaos, which seems to explain a lot of what's wrong with this film. It's his second film, following up the biggest-budgeted film in Thai history. He has a lot of work to do to become a better director...starting with finding a decent agent and taking some classes. This was written by two gentlemen responsible for past efforts such as episodes of La Femme Nikita (it shows) and Spawn. Producers include the former head of Tri-Star/Columbia, Tia Carrere's ex-husband, and the man ranked #6 in Playgirl's Sexiest Men of the 1970s. The sound mixer seemed a bit confused about his duties--they really DO include mixing the dialogue, background noise, and soundtrack. That's ok since the soundtrack was horrible and we didn't really need to hear it. Dialogue? What dialogue? We all know that talking doesn't happen in real video games, just the crazy voiceovers and exposition to get you between scenarios and/or levels. Here, the same applies; just a lot of running, shooting, driving, shooting, fighting, shooting, and then meaningful looks across the water. The funniest line? "(she's laughing because) You got beat up by a girl."

The attempted plot follows a mini-machine that can be injected into a person like a mini-assassin, which is exactly what was used in the X-Files to control rockin' A.D. Skinner--and they did a much better job with less exposition and technological wonderment. The bad guy Gregg Henry (a James Spader kind of guy) is being attacked by rogue agent (and ballistics expert, get it?) Liu; the battle-weary agent Banderas comes in to fight her, finds out they're on the same side, and proceeds to barely win the battle with the bad guys losing, the good guy winning, and the poor rogue agent left standing a la Dark Angel to contemplate dismembering her agent. I don't think I gave too much away there. Speaking of the location: if that is what Vancouver really looks like, I am NEVER visiting. It looks like what I imagine Decatur looking like, only colder and grimier.

(Princess: hide your eyes) ANTONIO BANDERAS IS AWFUL. Bags under the eyes are usually a sign of being a new parent, a person attempting to party past their age, or somone who's flat-out aging ungracefully. Greasy shellacked hair and baggy eyes a heartthrob does not make, nor does that Pinero-esque beard help his cause. I'm sure Melanie loves it, but the camera does not. At the same time, Lucy Liu spends most of the movie a blur of fiesty vengence; when we see her face, it's the classic haughty Ling-stare we're so fond of. Yes, she's wearing a black bodysuit. No, it's not really *hot* unless you mean it in the sense of 'she must be dying in all that pleather as she does 1400 takes of this fight scene ini her wool coat'. These are two box office stars who seem to do well in their careers; all I can guess is that Melanie needed more money for another (ahem) enhancement, while Liu needed to keep in shape for Charlie's Angels 2. Too bad she had better work in CA 1 than this film. It seems that they felt the need to do many of their own stunts, which means the motorcycle chase is at 35 mph and the faster action happening when the helmets go on. Speaking of which, put on a damn helmet! Banderas would NOT have woken up from that last flip. It would be physiologically impossible, not to mention just bad choreography. You could almost hear his brain hit the front, the back, and the sides of his skull at impact.

Given my love of Ray Park and belief he can do no wrong, I was sorely disappointed in his appearance and waste of talent here in this travesty. First of all, he looks like a inflated Seth Green with a weird Scottish/Aussie accent. He's got X-Men 2 coming; what was he thinking? Ray, honey, lose the soul-patch and 'stache, get a better agent, and just wait; Darth Maul might be gone but Toad is forever. I saw his name in the opening credits and knew that a decent full-out fight was about to happen, and instead we got a crappy remake of Liu's fights in Angels. Not even token wirework! No jumping, no fun fighting, nothing. Just pulling punches so often that muscles must have been strained. Yeah, yeah, there's the 'big fight' in the end, and it's so anticlimactic that if, for some reason, you didn't see it coming, you still weren't surprised.

Good grief, it's hard to watch these so you don't have to. Remember that the next time you try to decide if you should see a movie based on a video game versus a film based on mundane life--GO WITH ONE HOUR PHOTO! It's equally disturbing, but in a much better way.