ED: Radioactive waste + spider farm + deadbeat Arizona mining town = BIG FUN. If you have issues with B-grade horror movies, spiders the size of small Volkswagons, or David Arquette, stay away. Otherwise--take your friends to the matinee and bust a gut.

EM: In the spirit of giving, the promotions team gave the audience temporary tattoos hyping the movie. It's great...much better than an oversized t-shirt. And the audience was smaller than normal and therefore spread out, which meant that the giggler was sitting faaaaar away from me (as was the smelly woman). But this movie...well, let me put it this way--this is what I said about it when we saw the trailer back in October:

...Oh look. Horror films! Let me take a quick moment to tell you that our preview was "Eight Legged Freaks" and we were HOWLING with laughter. If you're arachnaphobic, you'll hate it. Otherwise, get trashed and go see it at Brew 'n View!...

That sums it up pretty well. ELF hearkens back to the days of the 50 Foot Woman and the Creature from the Black Lagoon, but with an X-Files spin, better special effects, and slightly smarter characters. Fear not--we still have the creeps and the jerks and antagonists galore and I kept expecting to see the Cigarette Smoking Man pop up. It is the Southwest, after all. We�re not sure he�s dead. Really.

The premise is straightforward, and the movie is as predictable as it should be. Bad guy�s radioactive waste is consumed by spiders who, as they get bigger, get more vicious and smart. Now that I think of it, it�s Deep Blue Sea with spiders and gold mines! But spiders�.ewww. Their eight legs, and beady eyes, and giggling� Yeah, you read that right. These spiders giggle, laugh, cough, cry, scream, and basically sound like the female lead in any number of slasher films. The spiders are ickily good; they look just like their little, real, counterparts except when they eat the people. There are 3 types of spiders, each who have a different �trick��there�s the tank-like tarantula, the jumping spiders, and then the spinning orbs who wrap people alive, present them to the female (who�s 3 times larger than the male) and then she sucks �em dry. It�s ucky, people. It�s seriously shudder-worthy. It�s great!**

Who, you might ask, was brought up on a sci-fi diet and given a budget to film his dream? Kiwi newcomer Elory Elkayem (he must have had a difficult school experience) wrote and then directed this monster (no pun intended), with the help of Randy Kornfield as co-writer. As this is his big debut, I�ll be curious to see if he goes anywhere else. (Troma Films comes to mind�) Randy�s writing credits include the clunker Jingle All the Way, so you can be sure that the dialogue here is appropriate for Ah-nauld�s recitations even though it stars Mr. Courtney Cox. Half of the movie is spent with people telling him to shave his goatee/soulpatch thingy, and then people are waiting for him to talk to lost-love Kari Wuhrer, (Anaconda, Remote Control) the only reason this movie might appeal to arachnaphobes. As the sheriff with the ever-important kid genius, she keeps the town together and makes sure that the important people don�t die before the end of the movie while going from stern sheriff to sexy savior in 3 easy steps�shake hair out of bun, put on cute tank top, and pack major heat. Her kids include precocious Scarlett Johansson (The Horse Whisperer, Ghost World) in the midst of her teen rebellion with a bad boy, and smartypants Scott Terra (7th Heaven, Daredevil 2003), the kid who knows everything about b-grade movies and spiders. This movie addresses the age-old question�why doesn�t anybody listen to the kid? You�ll look at the mayor and think you recognize him, but he�s just Michael McKean�s bastard brother out of Carolina, Leon Rippy. And I have to say that it�s nice to see that Barney Fife�s influence lives on in Deputy Pete, a man whose cat put up a decent fight against a spider the size of a medium dog in one of the funniest scenes in this movie.

The editor and cinematographer both come from TV backgrounds; Cinematog John S. Bartley shot on Roswell and X-Files, and you can see his X-Files experience everywhere. He understands the necessity of darkness and the power of scaring you to death without seeing a thing. David Siegal edited episodes of Law and Order and JAG, but also dabbled in Godzilla (the Broderick version), where he worked with sound effects director Christopher Assells�the man responsible for the giggling spiders. But my favorite credit is the �match mover��what the heck is that? He moves the matches into position in the movie? I could do that better than Alexander Nowotny, I�m telling you.

Before you start sending me flaming emails about the �quality� of the film, let me irrevocably state that this is not, nor ever will be, a good film. This is a campy, cheesy, a/c in the summer, eatin' some greasy popcorn movie. (It�s not a drinks movie since you might choke) It�s funny enough that it makes up for the plot holes, poor dialogue, lack of continuity, and lackluster and unresolved ending. The problems are numerous and trite, but hey�it�s the allure of the camp/cult movie.

I honestly recommend this movie for sheer movie pleasure�like I said 9 months ago, it�s a Brew �n View movie all the way. Add a pitcher of beer and the dancing hotdog, and you have a fun evening!

**I shouldn�t admit this, but I spent a good chunk of the movie peeking thru my fingers as I waited for the spiders to attack or creep up on people�it�s a great date movie, guys. I�m just sayin�