"Mean Machine", limited run across the nation.

ED: A fun footballer film in Guy-Ritchie style, it follows the fall and subsequent redemption of star Danny Mehann as he transforms a bunch of ragtag cons into a cohesive team. Then they play the guards and win. It's all good. Rent it as soon as you can find it. Well worth the rental fee, if only for the match itself.

EM: I loved this movie. I loved it. I'm sorry. Bias, once again, reigns supreme. It was quick (98 minutes) it was funny, and the soundtrack is ownable. It also stars a man who's infamous for either ripping or biting off another soccer player's genetalia, depending on which story you hear.

I thought that'd get your attention. So about this guy: Vinnie Jones gave up a lucrative football career to become a movie man. He played, he played well, and is quite a star from the reports I've heard. Guy Ritchie cast him in Lock, Stock (LSTSB) which gave him the in; he then was seen in Snatch, Gone in 60 Seconds (which is to say that he wasn't 'seen' as much as 'can be seen' in), and Swordfish. He enjoys playing heavies, but he'd like to try a more romantic-comedy type. (I thought I'd just compress his bio/interview for your viewing comfort) He's pretty good; he's a deliberate speaker and actor, which is to say it doesn't feel like he's slow or stupid or David Schwimmer in The Pallbearer. The story is basic, the execution is normal, but oh, how the soccer shines. Expanded plot: the ragtag band of football enthusiasts are to be a scrimmaged game against the guards, who play a league and are funded by the gambling-happy Governor. There's lots of gambling and blackmailing here, proving once again that nothing's free. Ever.

As to the cast: unless you watch a lot (and I mean a LOT) of film, you probably won't recognize most of the actors' films. (But if you've seen Snatch or LSTSB, you've got about half the cast) To ease your mind I've done some serious reseach and have found the following: The prison Governor is the wig-wearing announcer with the curly eyebrows from Gladiator. Those eyebrows are real. The berserker goalie Monk can be found in Ghosts of Mars and LSTSB/Snatch. The old man is the naked guy riding the bike in all the "Waking Ned Devine" commercials 3 years ago. You might remember Jason Flemyng from Rock Star with Marky Mark. The girl looks really familiar, and you might think that she was the love interest from Bedazzled--but NO. She was one of the best friends from Bridget Jones. The head warden looks like Colin Mochrie's older brother, but alas--he is not. Watch out! The slimey Egyptian from The Mummy is in here, and he takes off his shirt. Avert your eyes!

There are a few more interesting characters, but you won't miss them. I learned quite a few things about self-defense tactics and how not to run down the football pitch. I also learned some quaint terms for things (reminder: the word 'pants' is quite different over there) and have found the terms "football" and "soccer" easily interchangable. Georgette and I also observed a new way for men to quietly 'celebrate' that I hope none of you embrace. Unless you have a svelte six- or twelve-pack to show off, this move's not for you. (And before I get nasty emails detailing *just how nice* your belly is, remember: This ain't personal. Never was.)

As to the film style and direction: remember when Tarantino came on the scene and then everyone imitated the *new* style? Same with this film and Guy Ritchie. Luckily, the lyrical shots of the soccer make up for the constant screen wipes that prevail throughout the film. The script is both stock and shining. The little gems studding the traditional dialogue make it worth paying attention, and be ready to rewind the football match itself numerous times to catch all the color commentary. I can't tell how much is scripted versus improv, but it's just too clever.

To wrap it up: I'm searching for this kick-arse soundtrack. It has everything from cha-cha to Wagner with a smattering of trip-hop and "Ole!" for added flavor. A hugely fun time. Well worth the rental. Do it! (And invite me)