Why see the movie when you can have it encapsulated in all its ridiculous Hollywood glory? That's what I think. Check her 15 Minute Movies here and don't be drinking anything.
Her reviews include Van Helsing, Hidalgo, Troy, and Hannibal. I could tell you all about the movie, but her version's snark speaks for itself (and saves you $10)

It's interesting; LOTR never got this much backlash because it remained true to the story. Troy is getting *crucified* because it's loosely based on the idea of the Iliad, which is the entire problem. It's like making a movie called "Middle Earth" and using the LOTR as reference text. As fadedluthien so pithily states in her recap:

AUDIENCE WHO HAVEN�T READ THE ILIAD: ooh! Who came up with that idea?
AUDIENCE WHO HAVE READ THE ILIAD: *restrains urge to kill the rest of the audience*
I just had to keep reminding myself that this is Hollywood, and they're gonna make their own movie however they want, regardless of 'historical' accuracy.

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Oh, who am I kidding? I can't help myself. Here it is:

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The short: Troy, based on Homer's epic poem The Iliad*, condenses the story into 3 hours of mediocrity. It is exactly what Hollywood does when it thinks it can cash in on the gaping hole of epic-dom that LOTR and Matrix franchises have left us. Save your money; you don't need the big screen to see anything special. (Save it for something fun, like The Day After Tomorrow when tornadoes eat LA)

The long: Um, yeah. So, where to begin? The writer David Benihoff has exactly one screenplay under his belt: 25th Hour starring Ed Norton and was an nice entry-level effort that was saved by its casting and directing. I appreciate that they list Homer in the writing credits, but it's unfortunate that Wolfgang Petersen was involved. Why? Well, he did 23 German TV shows/movies, which is nice (who doesn't appreciate a good made-for-tv movie?) for his experience, but then he followed it up with choices like In the Line of Fire and Outbreak, both theatrical masterpieces. Luckily, he's putting all the TV-friendly moviemaking to good use here with his crack team of producers, who have produced gems like Casper, the Flinstones, and the upcoming Poseidon Adventure (2005). On the other hand, Winston was the 2nd AD in the second unit for the sucktacular The Oddessey that seems to have been a major inspiration here. I'm sure Winston reassured Wolfie that the audiences don't care about accuracy, they just care about Brad Pitt getting nekkid. Luckily, James Horner is here to provide the pseudo-Mediterranean mood music, complete with wailing woman to keep everybody in the mood. What bothers me is that the script is, and I'm limiting myself to a single word, clunky--and has no reason to be. I mean, Homer obviously wrote some good stuff. He wouldn't mind if David borrowed *directly from the text* to get the point across better than his hack job, y'know? Condensing 10 books of the Iliad into 3 hours of warfare isn't easy, but it's doable. Hell, employ the Exposition Fairy (tm regina) and let her do her thing for 8 minutes to set it all up. It'll be just as useful *and* make the film prettier.

This movie is supposed to be the new epic, and in attempting to fill Peter Jackson's hobbity shoes they cast people who embody epics to impart the flavor of the thing. Hello, Boromir and Legolas. Hello, Killearn. Hello, Tiberius. How you been, Campbell and Argyle? See, the thing is...they're great actors. But they need a work that actually showcases their talents instead of the skills of the Framestore CFC crew. Good job guys; you can barely see the demarcation between 'live' and 'blue screen' action. Except for every time it happens, when it's incredibly obvious. Sheesh.

I'm not going into the casting decisions (Helen? SO not the face that launched 1000 ships and I don't care that she's French), but I do have to give a shout-out to my girl Lucinda, the casting director who had a nice refreshing approach to look of the film: cultural authenticity. People in the Basin actually have dark hair and tan skin. Kudos to you for noticing that (and having a damn awesome name). ::waves to Cin:: The acccents are...atrocious. I guess it's supposed to be some British accent-thing since most of the cast is British and you need to speak faux-epic like a Brit, but the budget could have supported a dialect coach.

The battle scenes were ok, but those wacky Foley artists--they have 3 sounds in heavy rotation to bring the battles alive: the juicy squish of a sword slicing into/thru somebody, the juicy thwack of someone pierced by arrows or spears, and the metallic clank of those pesky foot soldiers who very seldom owned *metal* shields and instead had wooden or leather ones. I felt like I was watching thousands of, oh, say *orcs* going to battle. It was a nice touch, as was the sounds of them sneaking up on the Greeks in the dead of night. You can't have it both ways, people. Either they're loud as hell or they're not. There weren't enough chariot scenes, and there's a scene where the Greeks are approaching the Trojan lines and the cuts between the advancing army and the Trojan reaction had me wishing for a Monty Python 'get on with it!' interlude. And here's a tip from me to you: if you have to fight another soldier one-on-one with spear, sword, and shield--jump and attack. They'll never see it coming and you'll kill 'em dead.

So yeah, it's a nice movie. It's even a pretty movie. But it's not a good movie.**

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* Here's your Classics lesson for the day: the reason that this is called The Iliad is not because the Greeks were crazy. The 'other' name for Troy is Ilium. The story of Ilium is...the Iliad. Sorta like why the story of Aeneas is the Aenid, and Odysseus's journey home is the Oddessey. (Bonus: He's also called Ulysses. Like James Joyce's long-ass story...get it?)